From hildebrd@cs.swarthmore.edu Wed Dec  6 20:04:37 1989
From: hildebrd@cs.swarthmore.edu (Jeff Hildebrand)
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Yet another toast + an introduction.
Date: 3 Dec 89 19:14:15 GMT
Reply-To: hildebrd@cs.swarthmore.edu ()
Organization: CS Dept., Swarthmore College, PA
Status: O


	A figure never before seen in Callahan's peered in through the doorway
looking uncertain. A few friendly smiles from the patrons already assembled
gave him some confidence and he moved up to the bar and placed a single on the
bar. He looked thoughtful for a moment then told Mike, "Only one thing for it
to be. Let me have root beer, that's what's it's got to be."
	There were a few raised eyebrows. Root beer was a common drink among
the college students who visited the place, but the form of the request was
quite unusual.
	After a few minutes he rose and walked up to the chalk line. "I have a
tale to tell" he said slowly. "It is a tale with humor, with sadness, with
love, with grief. And yet, for all that, it involves only 5 people. I have been
holding in this story for a long time. I finally feel there's someone I can
trust to tell it to."
	"It started very simply. There were four of us. We were about a month
>from finishing off our freshman year at college. One night we were all logged
onto the computer at the same time and were chatting. Someone suggested
ordering a pizza, but since we were scattered all over campus at the time it
seemed kinda difficult. However someone suggested that we head up to a computer
lab in the science building, and that's what we did, where we were joined by
our fifth, an employee there who had graduated the year before and so was a
freshman in life. That's all there was at the time. We enjoyed ourselves
enormously and decided to do this every Wednesday night. Being SF fans, we
called it FreshCon. Oh, yeah" he paused to hoist his glass. "For some reason,
root beer was our drink of choice at that time.
	"We had a lot in common, it rather surprising that we weren't already
close friends, but even on a small campus sometimes it takes a long time for
similar people to really get to know each other. This was what it took. Of the
four students, there were three men and one woman. It was spring, we were
having fun, and it was inevitable what happened.
	"Relationships are what happened. She started going out with one of the
other men, then broke up. A few days before the fifth and final gathering, she
and I talked and a start at a relationship was made there. Then came the wild,
crazy summer."
	He stopped. It was clear from his eyes that the memories were painful,
but the listeners knew it would do him good to tell it, so they waited. Finally
he resumed. "Last spring, a friend of mine had told me that I was incredibly
innocent emotionally. That was changed. I admit it. I had for the first time in
my life fallen wildly in love. But the old relationship between her and the
other guy sprang back up. We had a triangle going. After many reversals, it
looked like things were going to be all right for me. Then, the final
devestating reversal came on a Monday morning, and I was alone.
	"As I suspected, those two didn't last the summer. And come fall, well,
she and I tried it again. I don't know what happened. I don't think there are
any easy answers to that. I guess the scars of the summer were just too strong
or something. Anyway, before long, she had started something with the third
male student from our previously merry bunch, then broke up with me.
	"So here I stand. The closely knit circle we wove last spring has
disintegrated. We still occasionally have the Wednesday night gatherings, but
we've been evicted from the computer lab, and there are other people involved.
It's different. Last spring the important thing was the people, we were there
for each other. Now it's more what we do during these times. The ever shifting
social life goes on. The two other men have started up something with other
people, but I'm still alone.
	"I think back on all the pain that it wound up causing me. The doubts,
the fears, and the deep, deep hurt I encountered. I wonder if it was worth it.
But then I think about the good times; those magic nights and some of the
joyous moments later. They were few in number, but they were wonderful. So...

	"To FreshCon!   <CRASH!!>"

	He turned, sat down in one of the ubiquitous armchairs, and slowly
lowered his chin onto his folded arms on the table.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
	I've been reading this group since it started, but I haven't really
joined in until now. Thanks to Gilly, Jen and the other who have talked so
freely. You've given me courage to get this off my chest. You are not alone.
	As for a little introduction.
Name: Jeff Hildebrand
Job: student, Swarthmore College
Age: 19
Height: 6'
Weight: 140#
Hair: Dark brown, shoulder length and growing.
Academic interests: Looking likely to be a math major with a physics minor, but
with other interests, including Russian studies.
Hobbies: Trying to think up excuses for avoiding work. :)  Reading comic books
and science fiction. Fannish activities, especially filking.
Activities: SWIL (Swarthmore Warders of Imaginative Literature), drama - on
stage and radio broadcast
Favorite TV shows: Doctor Who, Blake's 7, Black Adder (no, I'm not British :)
Favorite movies: Young Frankenstein, Princess Bride, Dead Poet Society
	And in general, I'm just a confused, muddled up guy trying to make it
through the semester battling the usual sophomore slump.
-Jeff
-- 
******************Still in search of the good closing line*****************
Jeff Hildebrand                     Swarthmore College, Swarthmore PA 19081
JDH92@campus.swarthmore.edu (prefered)     or    hildebrd@cs.swarthmore.edu

From cse@pawl.rpi.edu Wed Dec  6 20:04:37 1989
From: cse@pawl.rpi.edu (Christopher S. Eplett)
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Re: alt.callahans--where we stand
Date: 4 Dec 89 17:28:11 GMT
Organization: Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, Troy NY
Status: O

In article <1989Dec4.014345.8008@sun.soe.clarkson.edu> stadnism@clutx.clarkson.edu writes:
>whose idea was alt.callahans,
>anyway?

	I believe that the 'blame' for this can be placed squarely
	upon the shoulders of one fargo@pawl.rpi.edu ( Ethan Young )

	Way to go, Ethan!

		Opus "Chris Eplett" Croakus
		cse@pawl.rpi.edu



-- 
ude.ipr.lwap@esc ,ttelpE ttocS rehpotsirhC
							_:REMIALCSID_
!!ti daer t'nac llits uoy ,rorrim a ot pu erutangis. siht dloh uoy fI

From gilly@bucsf.bu.edu Wed Dec  6 20:04:39 1989
From: gilly@bucsf.bu.edu (Gilly Rosenthol)
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Thanks!
Date: 4 Dec 89 17:50:04 GMT
Reply-To: gilly@bucsf.bu.edu (Gilly Rosenthol)
Distribution: alt
Organization: Boston University
Status: O

As the door begins to open, a playful gust of wind pulls it faster
than the woman behind can follow.  She is tugged off her feet, and
lands, laughing, on the floor.  The wind's mood seems to match her
own.  There is snow in her brown hair, and all that can be seen of her
face above the scarf she wears are a pair of laughing hazel eyes, eyes
that look a hell of a lot happier than the last time she was here.  As
she gets up from the floor and brushes the snow from the seat of her
pants, Gilly feels the warmth and magic of the Place wash over her.
She sees so many concerned people looking to see how she is doing,
people with problems of their own who still take time to care about
others.  As usual, it takes her quite a while to get to the bar.  She
has to stop to touch noses with a wolf, pick up a teddy bear, and
share hugs with a few of the silent lurkers as well as some of the
more vocal patrons.  And if you've ever seen someone try to hug a
shadow, let alone a flaming mythical bird, well, it's quite a sight.
She finally makes it to the bar, and pulls a large wad of fresh
one-dollar bills from a pocket.  "Drinks for everyone, on me!" she
cries.  "It's certainly not enough to pay you all back for what you
did for me, but it's a start."  When everyone has a glass in his or
her hand (or paw, or whatever) they turn to Gilly and wait expectantly
for her toast.  "To the first law of Callahan's - Shared joy is
increased; shared pain, diminished.  It's so very true."  And with a
last loving look at the people around her, she drains the glass and
hurls it into the fireplace.  A cry of "Amen!" fills the air, and a
barrage of glasses fills the fireplace.  

When the room settles down again, Gilly finds herself at a table with
the group of people describing themselves.  "I like that - it would be
nice to have a better mental image of what the people here are like.
Me, I'm 5'3", about 125 pounds.  I have brown hair with a bit of a
perm, about shoulder length.  My eyes are a sort of mixture of green,
brown, and gold best described as hazel, and thy're pretty close to
blind - 20/200 without my contacts.  I'm a junior here at Boston U,
majoring in psychology and minoring in women's studies.  Hobbies -
let's see.  I like listening to and playing music - I'm going to have
to bring in my guitar one of these days, but who can compete with Jake
and Lady MacBeth?  And I like to sing.  I suppose computers are a
hobby, and drama, and definitely reading.  I like some SF, Heinlein
and Spider especially.  My favorite TV shows are Sesame Street and
Night Court.  Would it give you some idea of what I'm like if I told
you I always carry around in my backpack Silly Putty, bubbles, a yoyo,
and a stuffed Snuffleupagus?  My theme song seems to be "I Won't Grow
Up".  Can't think of much else right now, so I'll sit back and let
someone else have a chance to speak - for a change."
-- 
+--------------------+-------------------------------------------------------+
| Gilly Rosenthol    |"Don't dream it, be it" -The Rocky Horror Picture Show |
| gilly@bucsb.bu.edu |"On ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur.                     |
|		     | L'essentiel est invisible aux yeux." -Le Petit Prince |
+--------------------+-------------------------------------------------------+


From t-phils@microsoft.UUCP Wed Dec  6 20:04:40 1989
From: t-phils@microsoft.UUCP (Count Zero, minus one)
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Soulmates and exiles
Date: 4 Dec 89 19:16:45 GMT
Reply-To: t-phils@microsoft.UUCP (Alaric of Dare)
Organization: Microsoft Corp., Redmond WA
Status: O

Gilly Rosenthol writes:
| The door opens slowly, and Gilly glumly walks in.
| Looking down at the glass, she
| says with a quiet intensity, "Do soulmates really exist?  I wonder.  
| Greywolf says he's found his, and that gives me some hope, but *where 
| the hell is mine*?  Alright, I'm only twenty, and I know that's young.  
| But dammit, there are times when I feel so damned alone.  I don't
| understand it.

"Sometimes, we're all alone."  The voice comes from the armored figure
at the table with Magyk and Jilara.  "`Sometimes' is just more often
for some of us than others.  For what it's worth, I don't understand
it either.  Though I doubt that's much consolation..."  He shrugs.
"I am sorry, please forgive me for interrupting you - I was thinking
out loud.  I am afraid I do so sometimes; it is a habit of mine."  A
rueful smile.
"Since my - shall I say - mortal alter-ego, Phil, has selected me to
represent him here, I suppose I should introduce myself.  To remain
incognito would be impolite.  I am Alaric ap Kernovan, of the House
of Dare, fourth of the line to bear that name...  but none of that
means anything much now, least of all here.  Please, friends, just
call me Alaric."  

| I'm a nice person, got a decent sense of humor, I'm
| fairly attractive - you would think I could find someone.  But the
| last time I had a real boyfriend was two years ago, and that only
| lasted for a month.  I miss that intimacy so much.  I have friends I
| can talk to, but it's just not the same."  She sighs, and a tear rolls
| down her cheek.  "Bloody hell.  I'm sorry - no, I *won't* apologize
| for my feelings.  It just - sort of builds up on you sometimes,
| y'know?  Oh, I'll be alright in a little while.  I just made the
| mistake last night of watching a romantic movie alone.  Not the
| smartest thing I've ever done.  I had a good cry, and got a lot of it
| out of my system, but it seems there's still some left I had to let
| out.  Thanks for listening, guys."  She smiles wanly, and throws the
| glass into the fireplace with more force than one would have thought
| she possessed.  "To soulmates - and finding them soon."  She walks
| quietly over to a table, rests her head on her arms, and prepares
| herself for a quiet cry among friends.

"Sometimes, being good to people - having a sense of humor - being
attractive - all of these things, and more, are sometimes not enough.
I can vouch for that from my own experience.  If I had a gold piece
for every time I've been told I would make a wonderful husband _for
someone else_ - or words to that effect - then at the very least, I'd
be wearing boots that didn't leak.  Not that I'm one of those who seeks
gold above all else, you understand."  He takes a sip of his brandy.
"Gilly, you aren't alone, believe me.  I have lived twenty nine years -
though often it feels a hundred times that number - and I, too, am alone.
I have been so for all but three of those years (and if the truth be
told, more than half of that three years was but a hollow shadow of a
relationship).  You're right, it builds up, until no matter how much
you tell yourself that you won't, you clutch at straws that you know
won't support you - just to have something to clutch at."  He smiles
ruefully, bitterly.  "I don't have any answers - if I did, it might
be a different persona sitting in this chair right now.  But for what
it's worth, - I think I can safely speak for all of us here - for what
it's worth, we understand."  He stands, and takes a few steps towards
the center of the room.
"I'll second your toast, Gilly...  to soulmates, and to finding them
soon - if they exist - even the exiles among us.  No - _especially_
the exiles.  Gods, we've waited long enough."
He hurls the silver goblet violently into the fireplace, and as it
leaves his hand it shimmers for a moment, reverting to the brandy glass
it started out as.  It flies through the dancing flames, to shatter
unseen at the back of the fireplace.  He stands looking after it for
a moment, then turns and heads for the bar, producing another silver
coin from a small leather pouch.
"Another of the same, Mike, if you would be so kind..."


-- 
Phil Stracchino
Philosopher.  Poet.  Console cowboy.  Technogeek.  Human being.
                 (And if you believe that, I have this
                 bridge in Brooklyn for sale, cheap...)

From fargo@pawl.rpi.edu Wed Dec  6 20:04:41 1989
From: fargo@pawl.rpi.edu (Irwin M. Fargo)
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Re: alt.callahans--where we stand
Date: 4 Dec 89 22:14:21 GMT
Organization: Fargo HQ, Inc.
Status: O

In article <9|_6Z&@rpi.edu> cse@pawl.rpi.edu (Christopher S. Eplett) writes:
>In article <1989Dec4.014345.8008@sun.soe.clarkson.edu> stadnism@clutx.clarkson.edu writes:
>>whose idea was alt.callahans,
>>anyway?
>
>	I believe that the 'blame' for this can be placed squarely
>	upon the shoulders of one fargo@pawl.rpi.edu ( Ethan Young )
>
>	Way to go, Ethan!
>
>		Opus "Chris Eplett" Croakus
>		cse@pawl.rpi.edu
>

Ok.  I give.

But I must make it absolutely clear right now that I created this group
indirectly only.  The real blame falls on Christopher Davis.

And, as I'm sure you've been waiting for, here is the explanation.

One of my friends here at RPI lent me his copy of _Callahan's Crosstime
Saloon_ by Spider Robinson.  I thoroughly enjoyed the book.  In fact, not
only did I enjoy it, but the themes in the book made me think hard and made
me realize that with all my math, logic, science, and whatnot, that I was
missing another very important factor: people.

This realization hit me at about 5:30 am sometime in early November 1989.
(Just as I closed the book in fact)  So, I pulled meself out of bed, walked
over to my computer, logged onto the Suns here at RPI, and posted my proposal
for a newsgroup (at that time) called talk.troubles.

Well, while the discussion was going on about talk.troubles, Christopher
left a nice short message which said simply:

All right!  I've had enough!  I'm newgrouping alt.callahans!

And thus it was.

I'm still carrying out the creation procedures for talk.troubles (although
now it's called talk.problems).  In fact, the second call for votes should
be passing through here soon.

Well, I hope that clears up alot of stuff.  If you have any more questions,
please send me or Christopher mail (I don't think he'd mind.  Would you
Chris?).
   Thanks,
   Ethan Young

-- 
Thank you and happy hunting!             Actually: Ethan M. Young
  ____ [> SB <]    "Travel IS life"      Internet: fargo@pawl.rpi.edu
 /__   -=>??<=-       - Irwin M. Fargo   Bitnet (??): usergac0@rpitsmts.bitnet
/   ARGO : 3000 years of regression from the year 4990

From jde@unify.uucp Wed Dec  6 20:04:42 1989
From: jde@unify.uucp (Jeff Evarts)
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Re: Personal Info
Date: 4 Dec 89 16:56:41 GMT
Reply-To: jde@unify.UUCP (Jeff Evarts)
Organization: Unify Corporation, Sacramento, CA, USA
Keywords: personal stats
Summary: 1 vote against
Status: O

This isn't a toast, so I won't resort to storytelling. I'm just putting in my
unasked-for two cents worth, but I really don't care for the "personal stats"
postings. I mean, I listen, and I try to read _all_ of each posting, and
several of you have recieved mail from me, and I from you, but I think that
personal info like that posted here is best relegated to email, where it can
be more tightly focused. Ahh well, it's just one man's opinion.

Thanks for listening...
-Jeff Evarts
--sequent!unify!jde

From jefyoung@pawl.rpi.edu Wed Dec  6 20:04:43 1989
From: jefyoung@pawl.rpi.edu (Jeffrey Young)
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Enemy Mine and Genericon VI
Date: 5 Dec 89 01:40:41 GMT
Organization: Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, Troy NY
Summary: Sci-Fi Convention
Status: O

In article <1989Dec4.140758.19391@sun.soe.clarkson.edu> stadnism@clutx.clarkson.edu writes:
>From article <3208@hub.UUCP>, by snoopy@fig.ucsb.edu (Smith, Jamie Lynn):
>> In article <25758F2F.1FA3@rpi.edu> hammer@pawl.rpi.edu (James A. Damour) writes:
>>>favorite movies: Ladyhawke, Princess Bride, Parenthood, Enemy Mine

Yes to the first two, haven't seen the third but the fourthis the
point of interest..


If anyone is a real Barry Longyear (the author who wrote the 
short story that turned into the novella that turned into the 
novel that turned into the movie, Enemy Mine *whew*) fan, we 
have him as a Guest of Honor at Genericon VI, RPI (Rennselaer Polytech. Inst)
in January.. (the 26th-28th to be exact..)

                                Need more info?  mail damour@pawl.rpi.edu
                                          or me...


-- 
"You are blue, Unicorn.. the Blue of clear, cloudless days where
everything seems like it's going right and nothing could go wrong..
and the Blue of despair and lonliness." 
                                       jefyoung@pawl.rpi.edu

From jefyoung@pawl.rpi.edu Wed Dec  6 20:04:44 1989
From: jefyoung@pawl.rpi.edu (Jeffrey Young)
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Re: Soulmates and exiles
Date: 5 Dec 89 02:19:59 GMT
Organization: Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, Troy NY
Status: O


The Unicorn shakes his head sadly at the mention of soulmates.

"Aye, Gilly, you are not alone in your search.  I too, seek for
one whom I do not know -- one whose soul matches mine.  I hope
that she is out there still, and hasn't given up on finding
me yet.  You can only wait, and hope.. (and pray, if you'tr
religious) I'm sure we can both agree that when we do find 
our opposites, that it will have been (almost -8) ) worth 
the wait."

"We are but souls drifting in the void: it is inevitable that some
of us wil eventually run into each other."

      --a quote by an author whose name slips my mind..but the
message is that you will meet the one..and hopefully he won't be 
already taken!  Stands to reason if you are strong-willed, so should
he be, since he is your match.."

"In my case, I might be in trouble.   I would sacrifice myself for 
someone who truly needed me, rather than see her suffer where I could
not help.  Those whom I hold while they cry, however, I hold myself
away from, asking nothing in return for the comfort I give."

"My double might have been trapped by one she helped.."

The Unicorn's gaze clouds over, and grows vacant.  "I hope not.."

"Perhaps some of you don't believe in soulmates.. I do.."

                              -Taldin

-- 
"You are blue, Unicorn.. the Blue of clear, cloudless days where
everything seems like it's going right and nothing could go wrong..
and the Blue of despair and lonliness." 
                                       jefyoung@pawl.rpi.edu

From ckd@bu-pub.bu.edu Wed Dec  6 20:04:46 1989
From: ckd@bu-pub.bu.edu (Christopher Davis)
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Re: alt.callahans--where we stand
Date: 5 Dec 89 04:03:58 GMT
Reply-To: ckd@bu-pub.bu.edu (Christopher Davis)
Organization: Boston University School of Management
In-reply-to: fargo@pawl.rpi.edu's message of 4 Dec 89 22:14:21 GMT
Status: O

In article <foo> stadnism@clutx.clarkson.edu writes:
 > whose idea was alt.callahans, anyway?

In article <9|_6Z&@rpi.edu> cse@pawl.rpi.edu (Christopher S. Eplett) writes:
 > I believe that the 'blame' for this can be placed squarely
 > upon the shoulders of one fargo@pawl.rpi.edu ( Ethan Young )

>>>>> On 4 Dec 89 22:14:21 GMT, fargo@pawl.rpi.edu (Irwin M. Fargo) said:
 > Ok.  I give.

 > But I must make it absolutely clear right now that I created this group
 > indirectly only.  The real blame falls on Christopher Davis.

AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE <thud>
"Hey!  Someone get this 'real blame' offa me already!"

 > And, as I'm sure you've been waiting for, here is the explanation.

[Irwin finds the Place, discovers that people are important, and...]
 > This realization hit me at about 5:30 am sometime in early November
 > 1989.  (Just as I closed the book in fact) So, I pulled meself out of
 > bed, walked over to my computer, logged onto the Suns here at RPI, and
 > posted my proposal for a newsgroup (at that time) called talk.troubles.

 > Well, while the discussion was going on about talk.troubles, Christopher
 > left a nice short message which said simply:

 > All right!  I've had enough!  I'm newgrouping alt.callahans!

 > And thus it was.

This was, BTW, my third try at creating it.  The first two times, I put out
feelers in alt.config and rec.arts.sf-lovers, and got basically no
response, figured nobody particularly cared, and punted.  This time I
basically said "Oh, the heck with it, no better time, etc etc" and created
the thing (finally).

I'm glad I did.  Seeing people get together like this--open up like
this--*care*, just reach out and *be there*--it's magic.  From the foreword
to _Time Travelers Strictly Cash_:

    " '...*any* bar can be Callahan's Place, as soon as responsible people
    start hanging out there together.  You'd be surprised how many sons of
    bitches believe people only care about each other in books.'"

                                    --Spider Robinson quoting Mike Callahan

 > Well, I hope that clears up alot of stuff.  If you have any more questions,
 > please send me or Christopher mail (I don't think he'd mind.  Would you
 > Chris?).

I believe the term is "hell, no!"  I love getting e-mail, though I'm
sometimes too busy to return it promptly.  And I'm always here to listen--
after all, "that's what friends are for" to quote one of my favorite songs.

Hit it, Eddie.

 >    Thanks,
 >    Ethan Young

Thanks, yet again, to all of ya.

You listened when I needed you, an' for that there's no way to repay.

"To listening, to caring, to loving one another even when you've never met."

               *CRASH*

[followed by a bunch of scribbled notes on line printer paper, having to do
with propagations and ftp sites and the like]

"This... administrivia... isn't what the place is really about.  I think
it's neat, but hey, I'm a statistics nerd anyway.  Perhaps I'll tag them
<BORING> in the Subject: line from now on.  :-)

"Hey, I can speak smileys.  Must be that Callahan's magic at work again.
Well, whatever it is, I like it."

With that, he/I (insert appropriate person depending on whether you like
first or third person stories :-) walks over to where Gilly sits and gives
her a backrub as he discusses pointers with an ex-beagle.
-- 
 Christopher Davis, BU SMG '90  <ckd@bu-pub.bu.edu> <smghy6c@buacca.bitnet>
"Many verbal attacks are part of someone's aim to establish their rank in a
 dominance hierarchy, the same sort of behavior common among nesting fowl."
                                     --Daniel Mocsny <dmocsny@uceng.UC.EDU>

From t-phils@microsoft.UUCP Wed Dec  6 20:04:50 1989
From: t-phils@microsoft.UUCP (the Eternal Stranger)
Newsgroups: alt.callahans
Subject: Soulmates, exiles, life, the Universe, everything...
Date: 5 Dec 89 04:08:44 GMT
Reply-To: t-phils@microsoft.UUCP (the Eternal Stranger)
Organization: Microsoft Corp., Redmond WA
Keywords: Life sucks
Summary: Is there some point to this game?
Status: O

No persona this time.  Some things, it's kind of tough to put into
a persona's mouth.  This is me, the real Phil, the easy-to-overlook
guy at the back corner table.  (I _think_ I'm real - I feel it when
I pinch myself.  Sometimes I wonder, though...)
Life's been rough lately.  Life's been rough for a long time.  Most
of the time I think I deal with it pretty well; sometimes - like now,
for instance - I'm not so sure.
(I guess I should get a drink if I'm going to stand here jawing at
you all?  Don't know if I'll get around to a toast or not...  I'm just
kind of rambling.  Better give me one anyway...  let me take a Bailey's,
Mike..  thanks.)

Like I said, life's been rough, and to tell the truth I'm getting more
than a little tired of it.  But it's the only game in town, so what do
you do?  There isn't any place else to go.  So you keep on - no, don't
let me de-personalize this.  _I_ keep on trying to figure life out, and
every time I think I've got some part of it figured out, some joker
changes the rules.  Or I find that I had the rulebook upside down.  Or
something.  (I should stay away from the metaphors, shouldn't I?)

I'm 29, and I've spent basically all my life alone.  I was never really
all that close even to my parents - something to do with spending a long
time in hospital at a very young and impressionable age.  By the time
I was finally discharged, I didn't recognize my parents.  I thought they
were two strangers coming to take me away from the place where I lived,
which to me was the hospital.  I never really got close to anyone else
since then, either - I never learned how.  There's some things that you
never really learn properly - at the instinctive level you need to know
them at - unless you learn them at certain times of your life, and I
spent most of those times in hospitals.

Well, sooner or later, I learned - or started to learn.  I tried to
learn.  I think if I'd been learning in a formal class, I'd have flunked
out, badly.  Even now I'm still not really too sure about how to deal
with people.  Jilara had it right when she spoke of being an exile...
I couldn't honestly claim to feel like I belong to the human race.  I
feel like the human race gave me the bum's rush about 15 or 20 years
ago.  'Course, I'm feeling pretty burned-out and generally stressed
right now, so that may not be a fair judgement.  Sure seems to fit the
facts, though.
To cut a long story short, what little I learned didn't really get me
too far.  I'm sick and tired of being alone, but I can't do anything
about it, and if I don't try to do anything - if I just let things
happen - then either nothing happens, or something looks just enough
like it's happening to get me off my guard, then it all blows up in my
face.  Somewhere, I think some b@*&%$d is laughing.  Personally, I
don't see the joke.  Gilly, take my word for it, 20 years is nothing.
You haven't even gotten started yet, and you've already found the Place.
(I wish there'd been a Callahan's here - and I'd had access to it - when
I was 20.)


Well, I've been composing this on and off all day, and I've pretty much
lost track of what I was trying to say...  if I ever knew in the first
place, which I'm not at all sure I did.  Don't worry if I don't make too
much sense, it happens all the time lately.  To be honest, I feel about
ready to just fall apart in a corner somewhere.

I ought to quit wasting your time until I figure out something that
makes some kind of sense to say.  I'm not doing too much here right now
except moving air around...


Oh by the way, Jilara, I got your most recent message.  I sent a reply
back by the same path, and also by two other paths, and I noted in each
one which path I used...  if any/all of them get through, let me know
which one.  If none of them got through, we'll have to try another
path...  the three paths I tried today are:

     jilara1=uunet!motcsd!fsdcupt!jane@apple.COM
     jilara2=uunet!jane@fsdcupt.csd.mot.COM
     jilara3=uunet!apple.com!motcsd!fsdcupt!jane

(that's extracted directly from my mailer initialization file.)
Hopefully, at least one of them will work...

...I suppose I should do something with this glass, shouldn't I?

"To life...  would whoever has the instruction book PLEASE pass it
around?"
<crash>		(hope I hit the fireplace)

Now if you'll excuse me, I think I need a chair to collapse in...


-- 
Phil Stracchino                                                                 Philosopher.  Poet.  Console cowboy.  Technogeek.  Human being.
                 (And if you believe that, I have this                                           bridge in Brooklyn for sale, cheap...)
"What about me, it isn't fair                                                    I've had enough, now I want my share                                            Can't you see, I want to live..."
                                   - don't ask me who, I don't know -

